Ask Heero" (c)
by Vuumuu
Summary: Heero Yuy has his own show! The stage managers are Misato and Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Akane from Ranma 1/2, and Wufei from Gundam Wing. It's a talkshow where the infamous pilot gives numerous characters advice... bad advice? Don't ask. (warnin
1. Default Chapter

  
~Ask Heero~  
By FaerieFlit  
12.02.00  
  
  
  
  
  
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Warnings: Umm... none....? Uhh.... mild insanity ahead.... ^_^;;  
  
  
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The lights are dim. The stage is dark. The audience waits.  
  
FLASH!  
  
The lights come on with a flash and swirl of color.  
  
We wait... for our host.  
  
A penguin waddles out on stage. He nods his colorful head, and flaps his stubby wings, squaking.  
  
"Uhh..." A purple head pops out from behind the curtain. "What...? Where's Heero...?"  
  
Another purple head pops out from behind the curtain. "What?! PenPen? What is he doing out there! WHERE'S HEERO!?"  
  
PenPen sweatdrops and holds up a sign saying, "Can't I be the host?"  
  
"Sorry, PenPen." The first purple head says. "This is Heero's show."  
  
Duo Maxwell slides out on stage. "Sorry Miss Misato, I am for REAL!!!"  
  
Akane Tendo hits her forhead with a clenched fist. "Duo!! WHERE_IS_HEERO!?"  
  
Duo sighs. "Two purple-heads in one room. Not good. This show's going down."  
  
A streak of red and yellow flys across the stage, and hits Duo on the head as it passes.   
  
"Iiieee!" Duo yelps, rubbing his head. "Damn! I thought I lost her!"  
  
"ASUKE!" Shinji Ikari runs out on the stage, looking frantically around.  
  
He sees the audience, and turns and unhealthy shade of red.  
  
Suddenly a gunshot rings throughout the stage.  
  
Duo sweatdrops. "Guess who's here."  
  
Mihoshi runs out on stage, bawling. "He has my gun! My precious Galaxy Police gun! Waahhh!"  
  
Heero Yuy walks out on the stage, looking mildly disqusted, spandex pants tight as ever.  
  
Shinji faints.  
  
Misato runs out on stage, sticks her clipboard into her mouth, and drags him off.  
  
"Get on with the show already!" Akane yells from behind the curtain.  
  
PenPen waddles off stage, dissapointed.  
  
Heero grumbles and hurls the gun at the bawling Mihoshi, who it hits in the forhead. She falls over and off the stage.  
  
Duo sweatdrops as the pilot of Wing Zero marches toward him.  
  
They are suddenly interupted as a black shape flits onto the stage, followed by a red-haired youko.   
  
Hiei stops and calmly observes Kurama as the young man stops running to pause for breath.  
  
Suddenly, the youko looks up and around, surprised. "Hey... is this 'Ask Heero'?"  
  
"Yup!" A green head pokes out from behind the curtain. "This is the famous talkshow, 'Ask Heero', with the one-and-only himself, Yuy!"   
  
Ferio yelps as he is pulled back behind the curtain by a blue-haired girl.  
  
"Well, then..." Kurama starts, "I need some advice."  
  
Heero turns around, and crosses his arms over his chest.  
  
"I want to catch Hiei and make him fall in love with me."   
  
The said demon snorted.  
  
Before Heero could say anything, Duo piped in, "Make like a Relena!"  
  
"Tried it. Didn't work." The youko looked at the fire demon longingly.  
  
"I know!" Yet another purple head poked out from behind the curtain. "Strip!" Nuriko giggled, then vanished.  
  
Kurama shrugged, then slowly pulled his shirt off, dropping it. He kicked his shoes into the audience, and dropped his pants. He stood in nothing but plain blue boxers, facing the small Fire Demon.  
  
Hiei's eyebrows shot up, and he suddenly flitted forward, by Kurama, and off stage.  
  
Everyone turned to look at Kurama. The youko blushed; his boxers were gone.  
  
"He got your threads!" Duo hooted.   
  
"What a pervert!" Akane yelled.  
  
Nuriko poked his head out of the curtain, laughing.  
  
PenPen wandered back out on the stage, holding up a sign saying, "Three purple-heads. Bad Luck."  
  
Asuke fell out of nowhere and landed on Duo. "Hi, braid-boy!" She giggled, stradling him.   
  
"Waahhh!" Duo yelled. "Heero, get it off me!!"  
  
Heero, who was looking pretty pissed by now, shook his head. "Reminds me of you-know-who."  
  
As Duo kicked and screamed, a silver-haired, red-eyed young man appeared on the stage. "I'm looking for Shinji Ikari." He said.  
  
Ferio stuck his head out of the curtains, and grinned. "Misato, our stage director, dragged him off somewhere!"  
  
Kaworu shook his head. "I have come for Shinji. Do not get in my way, you silly Lillims."  
  
Shinji ran out on stage, slightly flushed. "Kaworu!"  
  
The angel sighted Shinji, and was about to say something, when Heero pulled out his gun, and shot one of the rafters overhead. A small piglet with an animal-skin patterned hankerchief fell to the ground, but everyone ignored it.  
  
"All of you, off my stage, now!"   
  
Everyone scooted away, and suddenly the stage was empty but for Heero Yuy and a dead piglet.  
  
There was a long, uncomfortable silence, then a tall, blond young man with a large sword strapped to his waist walked out.   
  
Heero watched the obviously clueless young man wander about for a minute, then asked, "Who are you?"  
  
The young man turned around and smiled. "Oh... I'm Gourry. I'm looking for a red-haired little girl... you havn't seen one around lately, have you?"  
  
"Do you need advice?" Heero growled.  
  
"Uh, yeah, actually... hey, have you seen a red-haired little girl around here anywhere...?"  
  
Heero closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "There's one over there."   
  
He pointed to offstage, where incoherent, strangled screams and cries were coming from. Asuke walked out on stage, dragging a Duo On A Rope behind her.  
  
"Oh, that's not Lina... her breasts are too big."  
  
Asuke's eyes grew huge and round. "What!? What did you say about my breasts!?"  
  
Gourry scratched the back of his head. "Uhh... nothing!"   
  
Heero growled and shot his gun once again, and the stage cleared.  
  
"Finally. Rei, our first advicee."  
  
A blue-haired girl walked meekly out onto stage, holding a clipboard. "Our first guest is Milliardo Peacecraft, Mr. Yuy."  
  
A few white hairs were beggining to show in Heero's dark hair.   
  
Yet another tall blond guy walked out onto stage. "Ahh, Heero. Our battle is not over!" The said person looked a bit disturbed as the heir to the Sanq Kingdom started to laugh hysterically.   
  
Heero's fists were clenched as he began to walk briskly toward the foaming-at-the-mouth-Zechs-Merquise. But before he could do anything, a girl with long blond hair in the shape of meatballs on her head fell down from nowhere and landed on the young man.   
  
"DA~RIEN!!!" She screamed.  
  
A young man with black hair hustled out onto the stage and dragged her away, muttering apologies.   
  
Rei came out and quietly swept away the remains of the former White Fang Leader with a straw broom.  
  
Heero sighed deeply, and massaged his temples. He opened them and gave the audience and the people behind the cutain on both sides the Death Glare(tm).  
  
"Before we are interupted again, I'm going to state my three rules." He looked around again, and cleared his throat.  
  
"One. No pissing me off. Two. Do not whine if I shoot my gun. Three. Just shut up."  
  
There was strangled laughter from all over, and Heero raised his gun, about to shoot, when suddenly the lights cut off.  
  
"Turn on the f*cking lights." Heero said, sounding *very* pissed.  
  
"They're on the jip!" Misato called out.  
  
"Just great!" Akane yelled.  
  
There was crashing and cursing as the stage hands and directors fumbled in the darkness.  
  
"I'm sorry." Said a voice from the right of the stage.  
  
"But we have to cancel this show." Said a second.  
  
"Very sorry, very sorry!" said a third.   
  
The three voices giggled, and stopped when a third crashing pervaded the darkness. "DUO! FERIO! NURIKO! QUIT SCREWING AROUND!" Akane Tendo screamed from somewhere.  
  
There was a mad scrambling, and one voice spoke up from the bustle. "Thank you for watching 'Ask Heero' and please have a nice day." Rei sighed.  
  
Then, the curtains closed.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sorry! It was not worth your time! Apologize! Me sorry! Gomen!   
  
  
  



	2. "Ask Heero episode 2"

  
~Ask Heero Episode 2~  
Faerieflit  
12.04.00  
  
  
  
  
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Three multi-colored lights flare into a working order, illuminating a stage where a girl wrapped up like a zombie in bandages is looking wearily out in the audience.  
  
Rei: Hi everybody and welcome once again to 'Ask Heero.'  
  
The audience begins to clap.  
  
Rei: This is our second show so please a round of applause for us for making it this far.  
  
The audience begins to hoot and cheer.  
  
Rei: Okay that's enough- down peoples. Now, what you've been waiting for- the host of the show, Heero Yuy.  
  
A dark figure walks out on stage. The spotlight swings to the mysterious form, revealing an actually quite stumpy figure that is concealed inside a sweeping cloak. The cloak falls to the ground in a flourry of feathers, revealing a colorful-headed penguin.  
  
PenPen: squak!  
  
Two purple heads pop out of nowhere. The stage managers, Misato Kasaragi and Akane Tendo, are both holding clipboards and are shouting undecipherable things at the warm-water animal.  
  
Rei: Okay, maybe not.   
  
Misato: PenPen, get off the stage!  
  
Akane: Get out you little wretched thing! Where's Heero!? Why is he never here!? AARRRGGHHH!  
  
A black and brown streak flys across the stage. It is followed by a yellow and red streak. Everyone is silent, wondering what the hell just happened.  
  
Ferio: (pops up from behind curtain) I see Asuke is still chasing after Duo.  
  
Nuriko: (pops up beside the green-headed swordsman) She has the hots for him!  
  
Ferio: Who doesn't?  
  
Nuriko: Ferio...?  
  
Ferio: No! That's not what I meant!  
  
Penpen: Squak?  
  
Misato: I won't make you eat any more of my cooking, PenPen, if you get off!  
  
PenPen: (Holds up sign) Deal! (holds up another sign) And that includes you curry-flavored ramen!  
  
Duo: (pant, pant) Did I lose her?  
  
Asuke: Nope, braid-boy! (The redhead glomps him from behind)  
  
--Shinji pops up in front of the camera-- now you all *know* she would never do *that* in the anime, ne? (rolls eyes)--  
  
Akane: WHERE_IS_HEERO!!?  
  
Heero: (walks out on stage) I'm here. (He staggers then falls)  
  
Nuriko: Ohh... you played a drinking game with Kurama and Hiei, didn't you!  
  
Duo: Yep! Heero lost! Ha!   
  
Heero: (groans from face-down position on floor)  
  
Duo: You should have seen Quatre! (Points with tongue-hanging-out-gagging-noises expression at the greenish stain on his shirt.  
  
Gourry: (pops out from behind the curtain) Did you know Lina and me are an item?  
  
Xellos: (was hovering behind Gourry) You wish! You couldn't lay a finger on her with having your face fire-balled!  
  
Gourry: It just happens that I managed to grab her breast earlier!  
  
Xellos: (is snickering) I bet that was a handful! (laughs at his sleazy joke)  
  
Lina: (appearded from nowhere and whacks Xellos on the head six times each with a satisfying crunch) AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!!!?  
  
Duo: HELP!!!  
  
Asuke: (Busy trying to keep Duo from getting away)  
  
Heero: Moan... groan...   
  
Nuriko: Lina! Her breasts! A *HANDFUL*!!  
  
Ferio: Not (snigger) likely!!  
  
Lina: (whacks them on the head too)  
  
Relena: (appears from nowhere as is her custom when Heero-stalking) Please stop it! All this violence is scaring me! Peace should be our objective here!  
  
Everybody: (pause) (look around) (shout in unison): KILL THE RELENA!!!  
  
--Static--  
  
Rei's face appears in the shot of the camera, blocking out everything behind her. Mad screaming and shuffling is heard in the background.   
  
Rei: Thank you for watching 'Ask Heero,' and have a nice day.  
  
--Static--   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay, I admit that was *pretty* bad. ^_^;  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. "Heero's Tips" A book based on the show,...

~FaerieFlit~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
MY ADVICE  
  
  
By: Heero Yuy  
  
  
  
Note: This book is derived from the Show, 'Ask Heero'  
  
  
  
  
My name is Heero Yuy and your going to read my goddamned book because I said so.  
  
  
  
  
  
Heero's tip 1: Don't piss off anybody who's holding a gun.  
  
Heero's tip 2: That means me.  
  
Heero's tip 3: Don't touch Duo.  
  
Heero's tip 4: He's mine.  
  
Heero's tip 5: Beware anything called 'Peacecraft'.  
  
Heero's tip 6: Never play a drinking game with Kurama and Hiei.  
  
Heero's tip 7: People with green hair are weird.  
  
Heero's tip 8: So Ferio is weird.  
  
Heero's tip 9: Nuriko and Chiriko are so hyper it's scary.  
  
Heero's tip 10: Shinji Ikari is prone to turning unhealthy shades of red.  
  
Heero's tip 11: Gourry needs a haircut.  
  
Heero's tip 12: The best way to shut Duo Maxwell up is to cram his braid into his mouth.  
  
Heero's tip 13: Wear earplugs when around Serena.  
  
Heero's tip 14: Trust me you don't want to live with Akane Tendo.  
  
Heero's tip 15: Watch my goddamned show.  
  
  
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Duo's note: That was just ranting and raving, Heero-kun!  
  
Heero's note: It's my book so shut up.  
  
Duo's note: But-  
  
Heero's note: (pulls out gun) remember tip 1?  
  
Duo's note: Waahhh!  
  
  
  
  
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Once again, sorry for wasting your life!  
  
(That's time, dumb-ass.)  
  
Huh? What are you doing here? Go away- I'm trying to apologize!  
  
(I can't. I'm stuck in your god-awful fic.)  
  
-Grumble Grumble....- How can you be? Your my muse! You wrote this!  
  
(Umm... no. I just willed your fingers to move over the stupid keyboard.)  
  
holds up sign-- TWENTY AN HOUR FOR GOOD MUSE!  
  
(Hey!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
